When I first found out about the shooting, I was at work and it was a word of the mouth "did you hear about the shooting at the elementary school in CT?" I had not heard anything about it, nor did I look it up at that time. When I found out a grown man went into a school of 6-10 years old, my first thoughts were of confusion. Why would he be doing this? Was this a situation of a dad without parental rights taking revenge against a mom who has a restraining order? At first, for some reason, the victims were not on my mind, I was only pondering the motive.
It wasn't until I got to my car and started listening to the non-stop live coverage on 96.9 Boston Talks that what happened started to really settle in. As I was driving to pick up my handsome little Bubski, I felt the emotion of being a parent driving to the school not knowing whether my child would be waiting for me or not. I had a knot in the pit of my stomach while tears were streaming down my face. When I heard the sound clip of an emotional President Obama expressing what all of these innocent little angels will never get to experience, my steady tears turned into convulsing sobs. I should probably have pulled over to the side of the road until I could calm my emotions, but I was eager to see my little boy. I had only heard the story at this point, I had not seen any images of the scene, but already the visualizations were revolving around my head. I was seeing a classroom of helpless 6 and 7 years old, all sitting in a classroom eager to learn the next lesson, not knowing what to do when the mask of evil walked into view. They were all so young and too little to know or even be capable of trying to fight back. How could this monster look into the faces of such innocence as he pulled the trigger? To say his mind was sick, demented, warped, demonic would not even begin to describe it.
Then I started thinking about the staff. They were all heroes that day, the 6 who gave the ultimate sacrifice to try to save those who couldn't protect themselves, and the others who were able to react to the situation at hand to keep the children has calm as possible and out of harms way...had there been a hysteric mass of chaos, who knows how many more casualties we would be talking about today.
With the rest of the nation, I have been constantly thinking about the families of the victims. I pray that before the day began that morning, that everyone departed with words of love and hugs. I think about the sense of emptiness they feel at their loved one's empty beds. I think of the dirty clothes of those lost that are in the hamper to be washed. I think of the Christmas presents that have their names on them, whether on the "To" line or the "From" line. I think about how depressingly quiet their homes must be. I think about how that knife in the heart must have kept turning as the parents found out their babies were lying on a cold floor and had to stay there until the investigation was done. I think about the smiles on the pictures that have been released of those that were taken from us, and how the world seems darker without those bright faces.
This tragedy took place just 3 exits away from where my in laws live, whom we had already planned on visiting this past weekend. On the way home we stopped in Newtown and left some flowers at one of the shrines around town. We didn't even make it all the way to the school and the site was enough to bring tears to my eyes. The media did not exaggerate the love and support that is making its way to that heart-broken community. We saw license plates from lots of different states. We saw young couples, and older couples, with and without children walking by their sides as they make their way to pay their respects. We saw women and men alike wiping tears from their eyes as they knelt down to pray. Severe and utter grief was all around us.
I have lost several loved ones in my life. My mom was taken from me way too early, when I was only 15, and to this day I still miss her and think about her every day. But my belief that she is in Heaven, and my memories of the experiences I was able to share with her have always brought me comfort. I am also able to seek out the memories of her from her siblings and friends if I ever have questions like "how did my mom feel when she was pregnant". My mom was young when she passed, but she at least was able to experience all aspects of life, and the memories of that bring me peace. On that same note, I am also at the point in my life where I am not fearful of my mortality. Don't take the wrong way, I don't hope to get run over by a bus tomorrow...but I feel that I have made it to a point in my life where if God were to tell me my time on earth were done, I would be ok with that. I have grown into the person I want to be remembered as, I have been able to marry my best friend, I have been able to feel the overwhelming love for my child, and now I am to the point where I am just going to coast through, enjoying the good times, plunging through the bad times (which will hopefully be limited). Those children that were taken so maliciously from us were barely just beginning to figure out who they are. Their parents only have a few short years of memories to cling on to, and are left with so many unknowns that will never be answered. To say "its just not fair", would be the ultimate understatement.
I have been too busy mourning the loss of those taken from us to really focus on the future, but watching/listening to the news it seems that people are ready to move on to that. How do we keep our children and each other safe? We could talk about gun control, about how automatic weapons should not be in the hands of any civilian. To be honest, I think the only kind of gun control that could work is to remove every single gun on earth, if only we could snap our fingers and they would all disappear. If nobody had guns, then there would be no reason to have a gun. But unfortunately when guns are in existence, evil people will find a way to get their hands on them. So yes, I agree with stricter gun control laws, but that cannot be the only remedy. We could talk about more mental health benefits. But mental health benefits only help those that acknowledge there is a mental health problem. We could talk about our role in society, about how we should take upon ourselves to make note of those that seem that they need a friend or some help. We could talk about enforcing morality and values as a family. I have no clue what the answer is. How does good triumph over evil, when evil can hide itself so well until it decides to strike? All I know is that life is precious, and the only control I have is over my own actions. So I will do my best to step it up and pay more attention to those around me, to offer my assistance and positive outlook where ever it is need, to be respectful to all those who I encounter, and to always start and end each day with a hug and an "I love you" to my husband and son, because you never know when it will be your last opportunity.
To the victims of the Sandy Hook tragedy, may you forever live in peace and keep each other company as you wait for those you left behind to come join you, may there be a playground up in heaven for you to run around on, and may Jesus help you learn your new role as the guardian angels of your families. You will not be forgotten...
Charlotte Bacon, 6
Charlotte was sweet, outgoing and full of energy, her grandmother told CNN affiliate WCCO in Minnesota.
"This is tough. This is surreal. You can't believe this could happen," Irene Hagen told the network. "The whole family is just devastated and we're all trying to come to terms with it."
She said her granddaughter loved school and dresses. Her hair was a mass of beautiful red curls.
"It's horrible. It's really horrible," Hagen told WCCO. "It's hard to believe that someone would kill children, innocent children."
Rachel D'Avino, 29
She likely didn't know it when she died, but her best friend was about to propose.
He had recently asked Rachel's parents for permission, and he was planning to ask for her hand in marriage on Christmas Eve.
That and other details about Rachel's life were described in an obituary posted on the website of Munson-Lovetere Funeral Homes of Connecticut.
"Her presence and tremendous smile brightened any room she entered," it read.
Born in Waterbury, Rachel received her undergraduate degree from the University of Hartford and her Masters from Post University. She was working toward her Doctorate at the University of St. Joseph of Hartford.
Rachel loved karate, cooking, animals, photography and her two younger siblings.
"Her passion, however, was her occupation as a behavioral therapist working with children within the autism spectrum," the obituary read.
In lieu of flowers, it asked that donations be made to Autism Speaks, an advocacy organization.
Olivia Engel, 6
Her favorite stuffed animal was a lamb; pink and purple were her favorite colors.
Olivia's family posted a statement on Facebook with those and other details about their beloved daughter.
"She was insightful for her age and had a great sense of humor. She laughed a lot and always lit up a room including the people around her. She was very creative and was always drawing and designing things," her family said.
Olivia took art and dance lessons, played tennis, soccer and swam. She was involved in Girl Scouts and musical theater. She loved school and did well in math and reading.
Her family described her as a "grateful child ... never greedy." Each night, Olivia led grace at the dinner table.
Dylan Hockley, 6
"To know him was to love him," Dylan's grandmother told the Boston Herald about her grandson.
Dylan loved video games, jumping on a trampoline, watching movies and munching garlic bread, she said. He had dimples, blue eyes and "the most mischievous little grin," Theresa Moretti told the newspaper.
She said her daughter and son-in-law moved to Connecticut from England and chose to live where they did because of the schools. Dylan had an older brother.
"He was an angel," Moretti told the Herald. "And I think that's now why he's in heaven."
Dawn Lafferty Hochsprung, 47
Hochsprung, who became Sandy Hook Elementary School's principal two years ago, was "really nice and very fun, but she was also very much a tough lady in the right sort of sense," friend Tom Prunty said. And the students loved her. "Even little kids know when someone cares about them, and that was her," Prunty said.
"I never saw her without a smile," said Aimee Seaver, mother of a first-grader.
Hochsprung lived in Woodbury, Connecticut, with her husband, two daughters and three stepdaughters.
The longtime career educator majored in special education for her bachelor's and master's degrees in the 1990s and had just entered the Ph.D. program at Esteves School of Education at the Sage Colleges in New York last summer. Hochsprung led a school district's strategic planning panel and was the recipient of a national school grant.
Her accomplishments included overseeing the installation of a new security system requiring every visitor to ring the front entrance's doorbell after the school doors locked at 9:30 a.m.
"My mom, Dawn Hochsprung, was taken tragically from me. But she went down in a blaze of glory that truly represents who she was," her daughter, Cristina Hassinger, tweeted.
Jesse Lewis, 6
Jesse loved math, riding horses and playing at his mom's farm, his father told the New York Post.
"He was just a happy boy," said Neil Heslin. "Everybody knew Jesse."
He told the newspaper his son was to make gingerbread houses at school Friday. Heslin was planning to help.
Instead, the last time he saw his son was when he dropped him off at school at 9 a.m.
"He was going to go places in life," Heslin told the Post.
Ana Marquez-Greene, 6
"1, 2, 3, ready and go," Ana counts down in a homemade video provided to CNN affiliate WTIC.
The girl in pigtails stands in front of a piano as her brother plays. Her voice is clear, bigger than her size. Ana smiles and waves.
Her father, Jimmy Greene, is a jazz musician. His representative released a statement on Ana's death, describing the little girl as "beautiful and vibrant."
"The family has requested privacy at this time of heartbreaking loss," it read. They "have asked us to relay their sincere gratitude for the outpouring of support and sympathy locally, nationally and internationally."
Grace McDonnell, 7
The ultimate "girly girl." Grace loved wearing pink and playing dress-up with jewelry, her grandmother told the Boston Herald.
As Mary Ann McDonnell spoke, she was surrounded by Christmas presents meant for Grace, Gracie, as she was sometimes called.
The little girl loved art, gymnastics, soccer and her small spaniel, Puddin', her grandmother said.
"She was a wonderful little girl. She was always smiling," McDonnell told the newspaper. "I think everybody should know about these beautiful children whose lives were cut short."
Anne Marie Murphy, 52
A hero. That's how a first responder reportedly described Murphy to her father.
He told Newsday that authorities told him her body was found in a classroom, covering young children killed in the shooting in an apparent attempt to shield them.
"She died doing what she loved. She was serving children and serving God," Murphy's mother, Alice McGowan, told the newspaper.
A married mother of four, Murphy was artistic and hardworking, her parents said.
"She was a happy soul," her mother told Newsday. "She was a very good daughter, a good mother, a good wife."
Emilie Parker, 6
She could "light up a room," Emilie's father said about his oldest daughter.
Robbie Parker described her as "bright, creative and very loving." Emilie was always willing to try new things, he said, except food. Her laugh was infectious.
"My daughter Emilie would be one of the first ones to be standing up and giving her love and support to all of those victims, because that is the type of person she is," said Parker.
He said she was "an exceptional artist and she always carried around her markers and pencils so she never missed an opportunity to draw a picture or make a card for someone."
"This world is a better place because she has been in it," Parker said.
Emilie's aunt described her niece as the "sweetest little girl I've ever known."
The family is devastated that "someone so beautiful and perfect is no longer going to be in our lives and for no reason," said Jill Cottle Garrett.
Emilie's father, who works as a physician's assistant in the newborn unit at the Danbury hospital, recalled his last conversation with his daughter was in Portuguese, a language he was teaching her.
"She said that she loved me, and I gave her a kiss and I was out the door," he said.
Noah Pozner, 6
"He had a huge heart and he was so much fun, a little bit rambunctious, lots of spirit," Noah's aunt told CNN. "He was really the light of the room."
Victoria Haller said her nephew loved playing with his cousins and siblings, especially his twin sister.
"He was a gorgeous, gorgeous boy and he could really get what he wanted just by batting those long eyelashes and looking at you with those big blue eyes. You really couldn't say no to him," she said.
His siblings don't know yet the exact way in which Noah passed away, Haller said.
"How do you tell them that's how their brother died?" she asked. "It's the unthinkable really."
Jessica Rekos, 6
Jessica loved everything about horses -- horse movies, horse books, drawing horses and writing stories about them.
She asked Santa this year for new cowgirl boots and a cowgirl hat. Her family had promised she could get her own horse when she turned 10.
"She was a creative, beautiful, little girl," her family said in a statement, describing Jessica as their "rock."
"She had an answer for everything, she didn't miss a trick, and she outsmarted us every time. We called her our little CEO for the way she carefully thought out and planned everything," they said. "We can not imagine our life without her."
Jessica also loved orca whales and playing with her two little brothers.
"We are mourning her loss, sharing our beautiful memories we have of her, and trying to help her brother Travis understand why he can't play with his best friend," her family said.
Lauren Rousseau, 30
Rousseau, a permanent substitute teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary, "wanted to be a teacher from before she even went to kindergarten," her mother said in a written statement Saturday. "We will miss her terribly and will take comfort knowing that she had achieved that dream," Teresa Rousseau said.
She grew up in Danbury, Connecticut, and earned a bachelor's degree from the University of Connecticut and a master's degree in elementary education from the University of Bridgeport.
Rousseau "worked as a substitute teacher in Danbury, New Milford and Newtown before she was hired in November as a permanent substitute teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown," her mother said.
Mary Sherlach, 56
Sherlach, Sandy Hook Elementary's school psychologist, was with Hochsprung when they heard a "pop, pop, pop" sound around 9:30 a.m., a parent with both women at the time told CNN. Sherlach was shot to death after heading into the hall to find out what was happening.
"I ... am always ready to assist in problem-solving, intervention and prevention," Sherlach wrote on her website.
Sherlach earned her undergraduate degree in psychology at SUNY Cortland and a master's degree at Southern Connecticut State University. She worked as a rehabilitation assistant at a group home for disabled adults and as a community mental health placement specialist before becoming a school psychologist.
She worked in three Connecticut school systems before moving to Sandy Hook Elementary in 1994. During her time in Newtown, Sherlach kept busy as a member of numerous groups such as the district conflict resolution committee, safe school climate committee, crisis intervention team and student instructional team.
Sherlach and her husband for more than three decades lived in Trumbull, Connecticut, and, together, they were "proud parents" of two daughters in their late 20s. Her website listed her interests as gardening, reading and going to the theater.
Victoria Soto, 27
Soto, a first-grade teacher at Sandy Hook Elementary, moved her students away from the classroom door when she heard gunfire, which students initially "thought were hammers falling," according to the father of one of her students.
"That's when the gunman burst in, did not say a word, no facial expressions, and proceeded to shoot their teacher," said Robert Licata, whose 6-year-old son, Aiden, escaped by running past the shooter.
Soto's mother said her daughter was selfless.
"She would not hesitate to think to save anyone else before herself and especially children. She loved them more than life, and she would definitely put herself in front of them any day," Donna Soto told CNN's Piers Morgan.
Soto wanted to be a teacher since she was 3 and talked about her students with "such fondness and caring," her mother said.
Soto's cousin, James Wiltsie, said Soto "instinctively went into action when a monster came into her classroom and tried to protect the kids that she loved so much."
"We just want the public to know that Vicki was a hero," he said.
Soto had a dog she loved. The black lab Roxie spent Saturday wandering around Soto's apartment, apparently looking for her, relatives said.
Daniel Barden, 7
Josephine Gay, 7
Madeleine Hsu, 6
Catherine Hubbard, 6
Chase Kowalski, 7
James Mattioli, 6
Jack Pinto, 6
Caroline Previdi, 6
Avielle Richman, 6
Benjamin Wheeler, 6
Allison Wyatt, 6
Love Yours TODAY,Tomorrow never gets here, Love POP POP
ReplyDeleteBeth, you have written your thoughts so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteWow, Beth you have a definite knack for writing. This was absolutely beautiful! I can feel the emotions coming out as I read this. Nice Job!
ReplyDeleteunbelievably written. i think you should be a journalist. you know how to write beautifully. but you are going to grow old with alex and watch hunter grow old and get married. I miss mom everday also. i see her in you. i love you beth and i am so glad you are my sister.
ReplyDelete