Calling All Memories

I have come to the conclusion that a shadow of sadness will always lurk over me every year on April 4th. No matter how many years go by, there is a moment in the day that I always seem to get that same knot in my stomach that came when we received that horrid phone call 16 years ago today with the news that my mother was no longer with us. The grieving and mourning have long subsided, after all she would not approve of my refusing to find happiness without her here, but I'm sure she would not hold it against me too much if I allowed myself to shed a couple of tears as I let myself dwell on how much I miss her as I recall the anniversary of this day.

This year I happened to have the day off, and the weather was cooperating with us so after an hour at the park I decided to take Hunter to the cemetery where mom was laid to rest.  He had picked out some flowers to bring to her and when we got there and I told him to put him down next to a stone on the ground, he had a look of pure confusion (one that I don't often see on him). I explained to him that my mom had passed away and actually lived in Heaven with God and Jesus. He knows of God and Jesus, but only in a sense that they are typically who the priest is blabbering about on Sundays at Church, but he has no clue what Heaven means, nor does he understand what passing away is. I certainly do not expect a two-year old to know this concept, and I'm sure he has already forgotten what I had said, but my purpose of taking him there today was because I felt like I needed something tangible to show him. I have told him stories of his Grammy in the past, but because they are not constantly reinforced, I don't think he really remembers any of them  (I know he is only 2 and that someday he will start remembering these things, but today I just felt like I needed him to know her).  He did notice that her tombstone had an "H for Hunter" which he thought was cool, and perhaps that will be something that he can now relate to her with.

Ironically, in the midst of today's excursion, my sister-in-law Kati had asked me to share some memories and pictures with her as she wanted to make a book about my mother for her kids so that they would be able to get to know her.  I thought that was a great idea, as kids often do connect with characters that they read about in stories, and I decided that this was the tangible item that I think is what I ultimately wanted for Hunter.  That being said, I was only 15 years old when she passed away, and not only are my memories extremely foggy, but I was also in the young and selfish phase where life was about me and I never really asked her anything about who she was before she was my mom. Thus, I would like to ask that anyone who has any stories they would like to share or pictures they would like to add to the book we make, to please feel free to forward them along to either me or Kati.

In an effort to get the memory sharing going, here are some of my favorites:

~ Mom always preferred making our Halloween costumes, and was even up for the challenges I would throw at her, like the year I wanted to be the American Eagle or the bottle of Shampoo

~ She didn't exactly have the best voice in the world, but she enjoyed singing just the same

~ She LOVED the beach, we spent many a weekends building sandcastles together and many evenings taking walks down to the Jetti

~ She always had a book going and enjoyed reading magazines.  Often she would try out ideas she read in magazines on us kids....like the chore chart she made, or learning how to french braid and using me to practice on, or making Allie and I write down what we didn't like and what we loved about each other in order to settle a quarrel.

~ She used to cut Allie and my sandwiches up in skinny rectangles and call them "Lady Fingers"

~ She loved playing games. She taught us how to play Hearts and "I Doubt It" (which I later found out is actually more known as "Bull $&@#")

~ She loved working outside in the yard, especially in her gardens, even though being so close to the beach made it hard for her gardens to really amount to much.

~ One of her favorite songs was "Brown Eyed Girl"

~ Her favorite colors were green and yellow (or at least that's what she told me at one point)

~ One night when I came home from youth group upset because some dude had convinced us that President Bill Clinton (or at least I think that's who was in office then) sold some weapons to a group of terrorists that were being used to kill innocent people over in Africa, she helped me write a letter to the President asking if this was true and expressing my outrage if it was

~ She adored everyone in her extended family, including her parents, siblings, nieces and nephews, and in-laws

~ Every Saturday for years she would spend her morning taking Allie and I to our bowling league. We would leave before 8:30 am and not get back home until after noon.  Now that I am a full-time working mom, I understand just what kind of sacrifice giving up a whole Saturday morning really is.  She never complained about it (at least to me anyway)

~ It was her idea to throw a big Halloween party for all of our friends....the party was a hit!!

~ She proudly displayed any trinket we gave her for her office, and in fact, after she passed away and her coworkers gave us a box of items that were on her desk, I was surprised at how long she had kept some of the items.

~ She enjoyed walking and riding bikes on the canal

~ She wasn't the most trendy lady when it came to clothes. When she didn't have to go into the office her favorite thing to wear was mom-jeans and a t-shirt....she preferred comfort over style

~ She loved watching musicals.  She got to see Les Miserables with all of her sisters and she was so excited to tell us the story of it when she got home late that night.

~ Once she had taken a random day (or week??) off of work and when we got home from school she had put glow in the dark stars on our bedroom ceilings, which we thought was the coolest surprise

~ She enjoyed playing super nintendo, and she and I would often share a character on the Legend of Zelda or pair up for a game of Mario World.

~ She liked doing arts and crafts, she sewed up our Christmas stockings and once sewed a dress for me with a matching hair tie.

~ She made a spinach and pasta soup that I remember only she and I really liked....unfortunately I can't find the recipe anywhere and I don't remember much of what was in it, so I will probably never be able to replicate it.

If you have made it down this far and haven't given up on reading (I know this one is a long post), thank you for your attention.  Ultimately, the moral of the story is that my mom was an amazing woman whom I love and miss dearly.